Tag Archives: shame

Doing or Saying One Thing A Day That Scares You

With all the writing in the popular press about the New Year and setting resolutions, intentions, or defining goals  I couldn’t help stopping to reflect on how I treat the start of the new year.  I do use it a time of reflection – to stop and look back over the past year and to launch a few intentions, dreams and desires for 2014.  The reality is I do this type of reflecting regularly.  It’s about living my life on purpose.  I stop and ask myself what it means for me in this moment to be “on purpose”.  The New Year is a spark to step into that reflection.

Because I’m reflecting regularly, the outcome is often to renew or reshape some intention I have expressed before.  For example one intention I keep coming back to is Do One Thing a Day That Scares Me.  Here’s why…

That intention has inspired me to be vulnerable.  To speak my truth.  To express my gifts.  To let people know they matter to me.  In summary – to take risks that come from revealing an inner part of myself.  It has indeed been scary.  And wonderful!

When I set that intention at the beginning of 2011 part of me had ideas like bungee jumping and other physical activities in mind.  I had begun reading the work of Brené Brown on vulnerability and shame and I had been studying Non-Violent Communication for a few years, endeavouring to put it into practice.  I came to realize what I had to say and how I reached out for connection – that I reached out for connection period! – were some of the scariest things I could ever do.  Do one thing a day that scares me and Say one thing a day that scares me became interchangeable.

It meant noticing when I hesitated to make a phone call to a potential client, reminding myself of my intention, and then going for it even though I was scared.  It meant submitting proposals for workshops and risking the rejection.  It meant telling the people I love that I love them.  It meant having conversations with a friend with cancer when I was anxious about saying the “wrong” thing.   In all of these cases it could have been easier, less anxious, indeed less scary to just not do anything.

So why did I do them?  Because I had set an intention?  Is that what motivated me?  I set my intention because I was curious about discovering what holds me back in my life.  As I stepped further into that exploration, I discovered that a rather persistent voice was present.  It was so persistent is was almost like white noise.  I didn’t realize it was always there, the default station playing on my inner radio.  And its public service or should I say dis-service message was “I am not enough.”

It is the voice of shame.  It is the voice that can have me feeling “less than”. It is the voice that believes I won’t find connection, that I won’t be liked, that I won’t belong because of some aspect of self.  Powerfully un-empowering stuff!

And so what did I do with this discovery?  In Catherine world I read books on the subject and I take workshops.  And I talk to my “digestors” – a small group of people with whom I feel a sense of safety and being held.  (More on this group in a future post and why you might want to consider having such a group too.)  My curiosity drives my learning and growth. My digestors give me the space to express what is percolating for me in that learning and growth process.  They listen.  They provide empathy.  And when asked, they offer ideas, possibilities, advice, solutions.   Through all of that I integrate.  I endeavour to be gentle with myself.  I move forward.

I’ve learned a great deal about shame and vulnerability in these last few years.  Whatever I learn about myself becomes part of the work that I offer to the world.  It is why I love being a Life Coach.  I get to keep working on me (which even with its trials and tribulations I have a thirst to do) and then share that learning with my clients.

I hope you are seeing the value in stopping to reflect and launching your intentions, dreams, and desires.  They can be an amazing catalyst for what comes next in your life.  So I invite you to reflect on what it means to be “on purpose” in your own life.  And why not consider doing one thing a day that scares you in the coming months?  Wonder where it might take you…

To facilitate your journey I have a few offerings coming up that might be of interest:

1) Four consecutive Monday evenings – a program on vulnerability and shame for men through Manology beginning on January 13th, 2014.  We look at that voice of “I am not enough” and how to strengthen the voice of “I am enough.”  We’ll walk the bridge of shame resilience.

2) A one day workshop entitled “Life is One Big Improv” on March 8, 2014.  This will be an interactive workshop that will blend theory with practice.  We’ll explore shame and vulnerability concepts and then use a variety activities including improvisational theatre techniques as a way to try that learning on.  An opportunity to discover where you hold yourself back – an opportunity to do one thing (or two) that scares you!  A day to celebrate being enough.

More details can be found on my Schedule page.

Warmly and purposefully,

Catherine

 

 

Spinach Between My Teeth

Have you ever been to a two hour meeting where you met a bunch of new people, laughed, and shared stores and then upon arriving home from said meeting realized you had spinach between your front teeth the whole time?

Yup.  Just had that experience.

First feelings – mortification, embarrassment.  Convinced they think I’m an idiot – ah that warm wash of shame that says “I’m not good enough.” My needs for belonging, connection, acceptance, acknowledgment, competence – absolutely not being met in that first instance of seeing dinner’s spinach pizza between my teeth.

Why didn’t anyone say anything?

Yes, truly, why don’t people say anything?  I spoke to several new people that evening and no one said anything.  It is interesting to consider the “spinach between the teeth” scenario from their perspective.  So let me put myself in their shoes by considering what happens to me when I encounter someone who has spinach (or some other visible food item) between their teeth.  Here are the some of the voices in my head I can recall from a recent “incident”:

Do I tell them they have spinach between their teeth?  I don’t want to interrupt them.  Gosh this could feel embarrassing.  I don’t want to embarrass them.  How do I do this discretely?

What I’m noticing in my body as I type those sentences is my discomfort.  Discomfort triggered by thoughts of their discomfort and it is my own discomfort that stops me from saying anything. I don’t want to risk having to be present for their discomfort.  How paradoxical!  Rather than step in and potentially easily resolve, I hold back, shut down in a way and experience my discomfort rather than theirs.

So I’m imaging all those people who were talking with me were experiencing their own discomfort with my spinach.

What to do?

Step in to whatever is alive for you.  I advocate that for both the Spinachee and the Noticer.  So in the first instance for Spinach Smile Me I get to once again practice self-connecting and offering some self-empathy.  My first reactions were just that, my first reactions – the embarrassment, the shame.  Triggered by my lovely needs – the desire to connect, the desire to be perceived as competent.  The desire to be noticed – to be seen – not for my spinach but for who I truly am.  And isn’t it possible that the conversations I had were worthy, engaging, connecting  – with or without spinach!?!

And for the Noticer Me – the one who is staring (or trying not to) at the spinach in someone else’s teeth – I can step into that discomfort too.  Sure, it might be a little awkward to point out the spinach. Those are my thoughts of how it might be – it doesn’t actually have to be.  Why not try it?  I can notice my discomfort, love myself for being concerned about how my words might impact the other and go forth anyway.  It could be as simple as:

“I’m just going to quickly mention you have some spinach between your teeth.”

“Oh.  Gosh, would hate to get home and discover it in the mirror myself tonight.  Grateful you mentioned it.  What was I saying about…”

 

 

 

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2011, 2012

 

Take It Personally

Here’s the scenario:

I’ve sent emails out to two different friends who are important in my life and have not had a response from either of them.  For one friend the norm is to hear back the very day I send the email.  It is now three days later.  For the other friend, I’ve been sending emails for a few months now with no response and phone calls haven’t lead me anywhere either.

My first response, or perhaps better said, reaction, is to assume I have done something wrong. What did I say or do that has resulted in them not wanting to talk to/connect with me?  This is my default shame reaction where I take things personally and I ground them in my sense of a “less-than” self.

I’m a little older and wiser now with all the work I have done on myself these least few years so I can at least see going to that shame place. I usually can’t stop myself from going there, yet now that I see myself going there I have options.  With awareness comes choice.

I remind myself that yes, I may have been a trigger for that person in some way, but I get to give their reaction back to them.  I get to be responsible for my own feelings and they get to be responsible for theirs.  So in actuality I do get to take it personally, just my own personal, I get to look at what is coming up for me.

That “own personal” attention is for me a form of self-empathy.  I get to acknowledge my feelings and explore what is behind them – my needs.  Just as valid as my whatever may be transpiring for my friends.  I have a direct line into me.

So what is coming up for me?  I’m sad these friends have not replied back.  And I’m concerned about them on two fronts.  One, maybe something is unfolding for them that has absolutely nothing to do with our exchanges.  Can I help?

Second, if I have said something to trigger either of them, I would like to know what that is.  Perhaps there is a way I can reframe something. Perhaps I’ve been misunderstood.  And perhaps it is just going to be a tigger – I might have said something that sounded just like one of their parents and depending on their history, they were transported back there for a while.  It can be a bit scarey and vulnerable to step into finding out, but I’m willing to go there.  Here, while I’m part of the exchange, I’m not coming from the place of having done something wrong.

What’s behind all of this is are MY needs for connection, belonging, clarity, consideration, and love.  And those are beautiful needs.  I don’t have to think of myself as “less than” for having those needs. In the past I’ve done an immediate translation to equate anxiousness with the shame response.  Now I can see that the anxiousness means some of my needs are not being met.  I’m whole, I’m just wanting connection.

So the next time you feel to take something personally, believing that you are somehow at fault, less than, for something, I invite you take it personally – your own personal – and look behind the circumstances.  Which of your needs are calling forth?

 

 

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2011, 2012

Letting Go – pain, struggle, or release and relief?

When is it time to let go?

I’ve been moving into a new place the last few weeks.  I chose a place that I felt served me in many ways – love the location and the space itself made me say “I want to live here.”  And I knew the space was going to force me to downsize.  Not much storage and I was okay with that.

Then came the downsizing.

What if I might some day hold that party for 30 people I’ve been thinking about?  I would need those mugs then.

I do wear those shoes sometimes…

And then there’s the books and files that remain from my years as a grad student working on my doctoral dissertation and then as an academic.  The collection had already seen one purge several years ago.  Much still remained.

I felt heavy – literally and figuratively – as I tried to decide what to do with these items.  That is where the pain and struggle came in.  The memories – good and bad – of the experiences associated with these items come into my consciousness.  Thoughts – oh so many thoughts – came rushing in.  Am I throwing away my PhD if I throw away documents and books associated with it?  How will I prove that I did the work if I don’t have items from the steps along the way?  What if someday I might need this particular piece of information again?

I had lots of advice from friends.  “Don’t think about it.  Just throw it all away.”  Or “You can’t throw that away.  That was from your grandmother.”  Helpful?  Nope.

What in the end worked for me is the following.  It took me a while to figure out this was the process that got me the release and relief I was looking for and no, that doesn’t mean I threw everything away.  I just found peace with the process.

First I checked in on what the item represented.  Maybe there was some grieving I needed to do and in so doing, I would be able release the item.  Maybe I wasn’t living the life at 47 I thought I was going to – the parties for 30 co-hosted by me and my spouse weren’t happening.  No big parties.  No spouse.  And yet I could follow-up that up and say unequivocally that life IS good even though it doesn’t look as I had expected.  So I acknowledged the loss of the unrealized vision and found gratitude in the now.

Then I asked myself about how I wanted to let go of the item(s).  Somehow simply throwing things away didn’t feel right for a variety of reasons. Being able to give them away for reuse, or at least for recycle, felt better.  So I created different boxes for items I wanted to offer to friends, to various charities, and to recycle.

And I gave myself some time.  Those boxes of books and papers – I had to sit with them for a while as they blocked the ease of movement in my apartment.  At first I thought I would send the books to Africa.  Yes, that felt right.  And then it didn’t.  I thought about the environmental impact of shipping.  I thought about whether these were really the books they would want.  In the end the books and papers went happily to recycle because in that question of grieving and letting go I realized I had the fear that without all those goodies, somehow the PhD wasn’t mine any more.  That somehow I was going to be less smart and less capable.  When I recognized that story represented a typical shame (less than) response for me, I knew, one of those body knowings, that the stuff needed to go.  That I wanted it to go.  That I was whole, smart, and capable without those bits and pieces.

I did keep some things.  I didn’t need five of the items I had received from my Grandmother.  One would do so that every time I opened the cupboard, I could remember her with great affection.  And my two friends who bought me the chicken pitcher – well they’ll be happy to know I still have it.  It makes me laugh way too much every time I use it, albeit not very often, so I had to keep it.  For now!

 

 

 

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2011, 2012