Have you ever been to a two hour meeting where you met a bunch of new people, laughed, and shared stores and then upon arriving home from said meeting realized you had spinach between your front teeth the whole time?

Yup.  Just had that experience.

First feelings – mortification, embarrassment.  Convinced they think I’m an idiot – ah that warm wash of shame that says “I’m not good enough.” My needs for belonging, connection, acceptance, acknowledgment, competence – absolutely not being met in that first instance of seeing dinner’s spinach pizza between my teeth.

Why didn’t anyone say anything?

Yes, truly, why don’t people say anything?  I spoke to several new people that evening and no one said anything.  It is interesting to consider the “spinach between the teeth” scenario from their perspective.  So let me put myself in their shoes by considering what happens to me when I encounter someone who has spinach (or some other visible food item) between their teeth.  Here are the some of the voices in my head I can recall from a recent “incident”:

Do I tell them they have spinach between their teeth?  I don’t want to interrupt them.  Gosh this could feel embarrassing.  I don’t want to embarrass them.  How do I do this discretely?

What I’m noticing in my body as I type those sentences is my discomfort.  Discomfort triggered by thoughts of their discomfort and it is my own discomfort that stops me from saying anything. I don’t want to risk having to be present for their discomfort.  How paradoxical!  Rather than step in and potentially easily resolve, I hold back, shut down in a way and experience my discomfort rather than theirs.

So I’m imaging all those people who were talking with me were experiencing their own discomfort with my spinach.

What to do?

Step in to whatever is alive for you.  I advocate that for both the Spinachee and the Noticer.  So in the first instance for Spinach Smile Me I get to once again practice self-connecting and offering some self-empathy.  My first reactions were just that, my first reactions – the embarrassment, the shame.  Triggered by my lovely needs – the desire to connect, the desire to be perceived as competent.  The desire to be noticed – to be seen – not for my spinach but for who I truly am.  And isn’t it possible that the conversations I had were worthy, engaging, connecting  – with or without spinach!?!

And for the Noticer Me – the one who is staring (or trying not to) at the spinach in someone else’s teeth – I can step into that discomfort too.  Sure, it might be a little awkward to point out the spinach. Those are my thoughts of how it might be – it doesn’t actually have to be.  Why not try it?  I can notice my discomfort, love myself for being concerned about how my words might impact the other and go forth anyway.  It could be as simple as:

“I’m just going to quickly mention you have some spinach between your teeth.”

“Oh.  Gosh, would hate to get home and discover it in the mirror myself tonight.  Grateful you mentioned it.  What was I saying about…”

 

 

 

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2011, 2012