Category Archives: Grieving

The Other Side of Hope

Hope.  Hopelessness.  Two sides of the same coin?

I’ve been thinking about hope recently, inspired by a book I just finished reading entitled Lessons For The Living:  Stories of Forgiveness, Gratitude and Courage at the End of Life by Stan Goldberg.  Stan is a cancer survivor and volunteers in a hospice.  He brings what he has learned from these experiences into the book.

Here’s an excerpt from his chapter entitled “The Dilemma of Hope.”

Poof!  Not only did hope disappear, but as I looked back on who I became during the intervening time between the onset of hope and learning that my dream wasn’t going to be fulfilled, it wasn’t pleasant realizing that I had allowed hope to let the new me slip away.  People often contrast hope with hopelessness, as if the former is always positive and the latter always negative.  It’s a false dichotomy based on a simplistic understanding of the role of hope.  For Joyce [a hospice patient], hope prevented her from living in the present and appreciating the marvelous things she had accomplished.  For me, hope transformed the scientist and humanist in me into someone who put all faith on the throw of the dice.  Worse, for eighteen months it robbed me of being more genuine with the people I loved.

The absence of hope isn’t a negative state.  The disappearance of hope put me squarely into the present…I no longer invest energy in hoping that the cancer will remain under control — I’m too busy living.

Past, present, future.  We need all of them.  Sometimes looking at the past enables us to reframe it so that we can live in the present.  So that those hooks of past experiences don’t weigh us down, rather they inspire us to go forth in our lives. And sometimes those memories from the past bring us great joy in the present as we remember a fun adventure or a now past loved.  And yet we can’t live in those past stories, we live here.  Now.  In the present moment.

Hope takes us, me, to the future. I want hope.  I want hope that things can be different.  It is part of what inspires me.  I help people connect with their own answers in the belief that they can achieve something different for their next moment. That’s hope.  Maybe it is even beyond, more, deeper than hope.

At the same time I don’t want hope to take me out of connecting with this moment – of seeing what is in front of me right here, right now.  Of being with what is.

I can also feel an edge to hope – the edge that says I want something different and yet I have to consider it might not happen.  If I know it will happen, then it is knowing, belief – beyond hope.

I’m reflecting on hope in the context of a good friend of mine who is living with a lot of pain right now.  I so hope for him to be pain free. There it is – that edge of hope that says maybe he’ll never be pain free.  In the present moment I find myself having to let in his pain and that’s uncomfortable for me.  It hurts to see someone I care about in pain.  Having hope seems easier.  It takes me out of having to fully accept his reality in this moment.  It enables me to side step the depth of my own emotions.

So if I don’t have hope, is it hopeless?  No.  Hopeless feels dark and I don’t feel dark.  There is a deeper knowing here that regardless of what tomorrow brings, I’ll be okay.  He’ll be okay.  It may not be pretty, but it will be okay.  It will be what that moment of life brings.

So perhaps the other side of hope, as Stan suggests is presence.  And perhaps it is belief, knowing.  Surrendering to what is.

 

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2011, 2012

Change of Address

I’m a controller.  In other words I like control and I try to control my life.  I understand and appreciate that this is not always the best strategy for life.  I have over the years tried to let go, be gentle with my need for control.

I get that it is grounded in fear – worries that my needs won’t be met if I’m not in control.   And what if I actually do trust somebody and they let me down?  If I control it, by doing it myself for example, then I don’t have to worry about that trust or depending on someone thing.

Recently I find I’m asking myself, in a very loving, kind playful voice, “So how’s that control life thing working for you Catherine?”  For as much as I try to control the situation (probably more truthfully stated as try to control the people in the situation) life – the Universe – has a way of reminding me I am so not in control.

Here’s my latest example.  I have to laugh, because if I don’t, I might cry!

Due to one circumstance or another I found myself moving around quite a bit.  Part of it involved a forced move due the condo I was renting being sold.  Part of it involved deciding to go to a retreat centre for 5 weeks and book-ending the retreat with a road trip.  And I knew once I returned from the trip, I’d be getting yet another new address because returning meant I’d be looking for a new place to live.

“I know,” I thought, “I’ll get one of those mailboxes in place like a UPS store.  I’ll pick a convenient location so that way if I move, I can still easily get to it.  And if I travel they can mail whatever arrives into the box to me.  It will be great to use as my business address anyway.  So perfect!  Implement that and then no more change of address requests required.  Maybe ever!”  With this logic I did a little happy dance and have proceeded to move most, if not all, of my mail to the address of my new mailbox.  I was proud of myself!  I had found a solution  – a way to control how things might unfold in the future in my life.

Went to said mailbox today and what did I find?  A notice.  “What did the notice say?” you might be asking.  It was a notice to inform me that the store that is the keeper of my mailbox is MOVING!  And could I inform whomever I needed to of my CHANGE OF ADDRESS!!

I re-read the notice hoping it was a joke – that perhaps I had read something incorrectly.  Nope.  I could get really frustrated with this if I wanted to.  I have put in a lot of effort worrying about change of addresses in the last while.  I had practiced sound judgement to find a solution!  This wasn’t supposed to happen.  This didn’t factor in my scenario of life.

In the end I’m laughing, thinking about the Serenity Prayer, asking myself “So how’s the controlling life thing working for you Catherine?”

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Reinhold Niebuhr

 

Perhaps at this point I could simply acknowledge that I don’t know what my life is going to look like a year from now.  I don’t even know what it is going to look like tomorrow. I can have some idea, but I can’t know it all.  I certainly can’t control it all.

So I might as well accept that I’ll be filing “Change of Address requests” for the rest of my life.  When, how, under what circumstances, no idea!

 

 

 

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2011, 2012

Expectations – Good or Bad?

I’ve had two friends recently tell me they are worried about my expectations.  They are worried about expectations I have about a particular person and my relationship with that person.  I’m perplexed.  My body has a sensation of wanting to push back, to reject their voices about my expectations.

What’s so wrong with expectations for myself or someone else?  What could be wrong with me wanting to see someone put energy into their health and well-being?  What could be wrong with me wanting to go camping?  Or more generally on vacation?

Maybe it is not about right or wrong.  Maybe they are not saying it is wrong for me to have expectations.  Maybe they are just worried that my dreams won’t come true and then how will I feel?  And it is lovely that they worry about me, and yet I want to have my dreams and have dreams for others.  I’ll deal with the consequences if those dreams don’t come true.  Sometimes what I hoped for doesn’t happen, but something even better, that I couldn’t imagine at the time does. Yes, sometimes I’m disappointed and I have to do a little mourning at the loss, the grieving of an unrealized dream.  I’m okay with all of that.

Let me back track for a second.  What is an expectation anyway?  I’ve looked at lots of definitions.  Here’s as couple:

  • something looked forward to, whether feared or hoped for
  • an attitude of expectancy or hope
  • anticipation
  • prospects, especially of success or gain
  • anticipating with confidence of fulfillment
  • belief about (or mental picture of) the future

Sounds pretty good wouldn’t you say?  I want anticipation.  I want hope.  And yet when I read online about expectations, so much caution!  I came across this quote that seems to sum up everyone’s concern about expectations:

Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.  [Alexander Pope – Letter to Fortescue]

Part of the arguments around this are that expectations take us and maybe even keep us in the future.  The alternative is to be in the moment, accepting and acknowledging what is.

I’ve made a conscious choice to question either/or thinking.  I think expectations are a good example.  I’m going to have them.  Not having them, well for me, that’s not life!  Life is going to have disappointment.  And I’m realizing I’m okay with that.  I want to have dreams, ideas, possibilities.  Will they all materialize?  No.  Do they feed me and inspire me to show up in my life?  Yes.

AND I want to practice being in the moment as well.  I don’t want to live exclusively in the future, with expectation.  I want to appreciate what is unfolding now.

My take on expectations is that they are wrapped up in being human.  They are tied to needs, desires, values, beliefs – so to say don’t have them, well quite frankly, that seems ridiculous.  And why wouldn’t I hold an expectation of another human being being able?

So are expectations good or bad?  I guess they just are.  Maybe it is more about realistic or unrealistic, healthy or unhealthy expectations.  Even those will be hard to define – more organic, permeable, and tied to context I think than black and white in their definition.

I was curious about how some folks who practice NVC might talk about needs versus expectations.  They suggested yes, we have our needs, and the invitation is to let go of expectations of how those needs will be filled.  I can buy into that, yet at the same time, I’m not letting go of visions and dreams. I practice affirmations and visioning.  When I launch one or the other I always say to the Universe “This or something better.”  I can’t know what better is until I’ve lived it – experienced it.  And sometimes that pathway is through disappointment – I’ve had my share of that – and yet I’m really really glad I am where I am in my life and all the things/experiences/people that have brought me to this place.

So yes, I’m going to keep having my expectations.  And yes, I’m going to keep checking on them.  I can agree that sometimes they are not serving me – perhaps because through the expectation I am holding myself or someone else to an unrealistic standard.  Those expectations can be adjusted.

In this moment I’m grateful my friends expressed their concerns about my expectations.  It has been fruitful for me to do this exploration.  My expectations remain, yet I’m noticing I hold them a little less tightly, inspired by the reminder that how they come to life might look different than what I am expecting.

 

In case you are curious, here are some of the websites I look at as I was ruminating on this piece:

Unrealistic Expectations in Relationship

Expectations in Relationships:  The Flip Side of Obligations

Building a Healthy Relationship From the Start

The Trust About Relationship Expectations

NVC Needs, Desires, Values, Expectations, Thoughts

 

 

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2011, 2012

Letting Go – pain, struggle, or release and relief?

When is it time to let go?

I’ve been moving into a new place the last few weeks.  I chose a place that I felt served me in many ways – love the location and the space itself made me say “I want to live here.”  And I knew the space was going to force me to downsize.  Not much storage and I was okay with that.

Then came the downsizing.

What if I might some day hold that party for 30 people I’ve been thinking about?  I would need those mugs then.

I do wear those shoes sometimes…

And then there’s the books and files that remain from my years as a grad student working on my doctoral dissertation and then as an academic.  The collection had already seen one purge several years ago.  Much still remained.

I felt heavy – literally and figuratively – as I tried to decide what to do with these items.  That is where the pain and struggle came in.  The memories – good and bad – of the experiences associated with these items come into my consciousness.  Thoughts – oh so many thoughts – came rushing in.  Am I throwing away my PhD if I throw away documents and books associated with it?  How will I prove that I did the work if I don’t have items from the steps along the way?  What if someday I might need this particular piece of information again?

I had lots of advice from friends.  “Don’t think about it.  Just throw it all away.”  Or “You can’t throw that away.  That was from your grandmother.”  Helpful?  Nope.

What in the end worked for me is the following.  It took me a while to figure out this was the process that got me the release and relief I was looking for and no, that doesn’t mean I threw everything away.  I just found peace with the process.

First I checked in on what the item represented.  Maybe there was some grieving I needed to do and in so doing, I would be able release the item.  Maybe I wasn’t living the life at 47 I thought I was going to – the parties for 30 co-hosted by me and my spouse weren’t happening.  No big parties.  No spouse.  And yet I could follow-up that up and say unequivocally that life IS good even though it doesn’t look as I had expected.  So I acknowledged the loss of the unrealized vision and found gratitude in the now.

Then I asked myself about how I wanted to let go of the item(s).  Somehow simply throwing things away didn’t feel right for a variety of reasons. Being able to give them away for reuse, or at least for recycle, felt better.  So I created different boxes for items I wanted to offer to friends, to various charities, and to recycle.

And I gave myself some time.  Those boxes of books and papers – I had to sit with them for a while as they blocked the ease of movement in my apartment.  At first I thought I would send the books to Africa.  Yes, that felt right.  And then it didn’t.  I thought about the environmental impact of shipping.  I thought about whether these were really the books they would want.  In the end the books and papers went happily to recycle because in that question of grieving and letting go I realized I had the fear that without all those goodies, somehow the PhD wasn’t mine any more.  That somehow I was going to be less smart and less capable.  When I recognized that story represented a typical shame (less than) response for me, I knew, one of those body knowings, that the stuff needed to go.  That I wanted it to go.  That I was whole, smart, and capable without those bits and pieces.

I did keep some things.  I didn’t need five of the items I had received from my Grandmother.  One would do so that every time I opened the cupboard, I could remember her with great affection.  And my two friends who bought me the chicken pitcher – well they’ll be happy to know I still have it.  It makes me laugh way too much every time I use it, albeit not very often, so I had to keep it.  For now!

 

 

 

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2011, 2012