Either/Or Thinking | Catherine Hajnal

I’m getting the flash of the “X’s” in either red or bold black on the school assignments.

The years in school had a huge focus on right and wrong, on correcting mistakes. In some fields of study there is right and wrong. Two plus two is indeed 4, it is not 5 or any other number. We need to learn that. And yet that horrible feeling – at least for me anyway – that would come when I saw those X’s or the grade that meant I didn’t get full marks. It took me to that place of “not good enough”, that place of shame, and somehow that doesn’t seem best for learning.

I remember in particular an incident in grade 10. The assignment was to read a story and write your feelings about the characters. I did not find one of the characters very sympathetic and wrote this in my assignment. I found myself defending myself in front of the whole class and being told by the teacher that I was “walking on thin ice,” that my opinion was incorrect, that my feelings couldn’t be that. I don’t remember what my feelings were supposed to be, I just remember mine were wrong, to the tune of an F. This was the first F of my life. Life went on and I ultimately passed the class and Grade 10 with flying colours, yet I sure do remember that incident. Even now I’m feeling the tightness and anxiousness in my body as I recall that experience.

Incidents like these have influenced my life. For some, in those moments your voice gets louder. For me, I shrink, feel smaller, and experience that warm wash of shame. These experiences were not empowering – at least they didn’t feel that way in the moment.

Having them as part of my experience in this moment now, in who I am in the present does feel empowering. I can work with them in ways that enables me to feel bigger, stronger, more powerful in my life. One of the ways that I do that is to consciously, purposefully not use the language of mistakes, of right and wrong.

I’m more than willing to acknowledge those circumstances in which I make a choice, learn something after experiencing that choice and then perhaps saying “Wow, I wish I’d chosen differently,” or any sort of wishing for having done, said, or been different. Was I wrong or mistaken with the first choice? I believe not. I practice discernment. I generally don’t take decisions lightly. I am a lawful citizen.

I learn and with that learning I make new choices. That doesn’t make me wrong or mistaken. That makes me a reflective, purposeful learner. I’m happy to be one of those.

So I invite you to think about that voice in yourself that judges you as right/wrong, good/bad. Consider being a little gentler with yourself.

To close, here is one of my favorite quotes from Rumi:

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I will meet you there.

I’ve had two friends recently tell me they are worried about my expectations. They are worried about expectations I have about a particular person and my relationship with that person. I’m perplexed. My body has a sensation of wanting to push back, to reject their voices about my expectations.

What’s so wrong with expectations for myself or someone else? What could be wrong with me wanting to see someone put energy into their health and well-being? What could be wrong with me wanting to go camping? Or more generally on vacation?

Maybe it is not about right or wrong. Maybe they are not saying it is wrong for me to have expectations. Maybe they are just worried that my dreams won’t come true and then how will I feel? And it is lovely that they worry about me, and yet I want to have my dreams and have dreams for others. I’ll deal with the consequences if those dreams don’t come true. Sometimes what I hoped for doesn’t happen, but something even better, that I couldn’t imagine at the time does. Yes, sometimes I’m disappointed and I have to do a little mourning at the loss, the grieving of an unrealized dream. I’m okay with all of that.

Let me back track for a second. What is an expectation anyway? I’ve looked at lots of definitions. Here’s as couple:

something looked forward to, whether feared or hoped for
an attitude of expectancy or hope
anticipation
prospects, especially of success or gain
anticipating with confidence of fulfillment
belief about (or mental picture of) the future

Sounds pretty good wouldn’t you say? I want anticipation. I want hope. And yet when I read online about expectations, so much caution! I came across this quote that seems to sum up everyone’s concern about expectations:

Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. [Alexander Pope – Letter to Fortescue]

Part of the arguments around this are that expectations take us and maybe even keep us in the future. The alternative is to be in the moment, accepting and acknowledging what is.

I’ve made a conscious choice to question either/or thinking. I think expectations are a good example. I’m going to have them. Not having them, well for me, that’s not life! Life is going to have disappointment. And I’m realizing I’m okay with that. I want to have dreams, ideas, possibilities. Will they all materialize? No. Do they feed me and inspire me to show up in my life? Yes.

AND I want to practice being in the moment as well. I don’t want to live exclusively in the future, with expectation. I want to appreciate what is unfolding now.

My take on expectations is that they are wrapped up in being human. They are tied to needs, desires, values, beliefs – so to say don’t have them, well quite frankly, that seems ridiculous. And why wouldn’t I hold an expectation of another human being being able?

So are expectations good or bad? I guess they just are. Maybe it is more about realistic or unrealistic, healthy or unhealthy expectations. Even those will be hard to define – more organic, permeable, and tied to context I think than black and white in their definition.

I was curious about how some folks who practice NVC might talk about needs versus expectations. They suggested yes, we have our needs, and the invitation is to let go of expectations of how those needs will be filled. I can buy into that, yet at the same time, I’m not letting go of visions and dreams. I practice affirmations and visioning. When I launch one or the other I always say to the Universe “This or something better.” I can’t know what better is until I’ve lived it – experienced it. And sometimes that pathway is through disappointment – I’ve had my share of that – and yet I’m really really glad I am where I am in my life and all the things/experiences/people that have brought me to this place.

So yes, I’m going to keep having my expectations. And yes, I’m going to keep checking on them. I can agree that sometimes they are not serving me – perhaps because through the expectation I am holding myself or someone else to an unrealistic standard. Those expectations can be adjusted.

In this moment I’m grateful my friends expressed their concerns about my expectations. It has been fruitful for me to do this exploration. My expectations remain, yet I’m noticing I hold them a little less tightly, inspired by the reminder that how they come to life might look different than what I am expecting.

In case you are curious, here are some of the websites I look at as I was ruminating on this piece:

Unrealistic Expectations in Relationship

Expectations in Relationships: The Flip Side of Obligations

Building a Healthy Relationship From the Start

The Trust About Relationship Expectations

NVC Needs, Desires, Values, Expectations, Thoughts