I didn’t mean to slap my friend.  And the reality is I didn’t physically slap her.  But she told me it felt like I had when I denied her experience. It was a metaphorical slap of disregard.

I’ve been working on my website.  Learning the ins and outs of WordPress.  Figuring out which theme to use – the look and feel for my site.  The themes I was looking at came with some possible images to use on the header (the top part) of each page.

I was showing an early draft of the site to my friend, anxious to get her feedback.  She told me she liked the image to which I responded “Oh that’s just a canned image anyone can use.”

Slap.

Because she’s such a good friend she stopped me right there, right then and told me she felt like she had just been slapped.  She’s right.  My response denied her experience.  She truly enjoyed the image.  She had told me why she was enjoying the image, describing different aspects of it, and I had chosen not to hear her enjoyment.  She felt devalued – both in terms of her taste and her opinion.

And the reality is it is a beautiful image. There is nothing “just” about it. I truly am grateful that image exists in the world.  I had chosen it because it had touched me too.  It felt like it fit with the vibe I was trying to create with my website.

So why did I disregard my friend so quickly?

I was in my own “stuff”.  I’m a recovering perfectionist.  I’ve been struggling with this website for a while now – hardly able to get started because of the perfectionist’s angst around getting it right, having it perfect. The recovering part of me was able to let go of a lot of “perfect” and get started.  My website is not perfect AND it is more than enough.  Yes, it can improve/evolve.  I look forward to that unfolding.

So where did I get stuck?  On the image.  What I was wanting was to use my own image.  I had it in my head that it would be one of my photographs in use on the website.  When I first tried that, it didn’t work.  I tried a number of different configurations, editing the photo, cropping the photo, etc.  Nothing worked.  So I went with the beautiful image that was offered as part of the theme.

And my friend triggered me by focusing on the image.  It was a sore spot for me.  So I went to the place of shame and blame.  I felt inadequate and I took it out on my friend and the lovely image.

I’m grateful to have this friend in my life for so many reasons.  The gift she gives me every time I see her is her authenticity coupled with her ability to be in the moment and share what is unfolding for her.  Her comment about feeling slapped enabled me to stop and check-in with myself.  I could  then acknowledge my trigger and I could acknowledge my friend.

Sometimes those moments of a friend calling you on your “stuff” can be a bit scarey.  It can feel confrontational.  Coming out the other side however, I’ve found, is always a better place.  A place where feelings and needs have been acknowledged.  Where people feel heard.  It is not about right or wrong, rather it is about being vulnerable and genuine connection.

Here’s the added irony.  I decided to switch to a different theme. The image I had liked was no longer available with the new theme.  None of the new images resonated with me in a way that felt appropriate for my website.  So I tried once again to use one of my own images, and this time it worked!  Don’t know what I didn’t differently.

And the kicker – I think the image that I had poo-pooed in my moment of being triggered is actually a lovelier image than my own.  So I’m feeling inspired to take more photographs and create one that truly feels right for my website. For now the website with my image is more than enough.