Tag Archives: needs

What if curiosity is all you need?

CuriosityInviting curiosity…

When I’m about to start working with a group that I have never worked with before I’m usually feeling a little anxious.  I’m wanting to be there, but my needs for predictability, connection, contribution, they are all flaring up in that moment in part because I don’t know for sure what is coming next.

One of the ways I try and bring some ease in those circumstances is to invite my curiosity.

Who is out there?

What did they have for lunch?

I wonder what their hurts are?

What will I learn from them?

What will I discover about myself through our interaction?

How might I make a difference in someone’s life today?

Being purposeful about being curious shifts my energy from a sensation of constriction to a sensation of openness and possibility.

Friend or foe…

Imagine going into a job interview.

Imagine going on a blind date.

Imagine you are walking on the street and someone is walking towards you yelling loudly in a language you don’t understand.

Imagine you are approaching a customer service rep at the counter after delayed or cancelled flights and there is no clear indication of how you are going to get home.

Imagine you feel guilty about something you could have done, an action you should have taken.

Being curious doesn’t equate with putting yourself in harms way. It doesn’t excuse bad service.  It doesn’t deny the reality of difficult circumstances.  It can however invite us to see the humanness in others and it invites us to acknowledge the humanness in ourselves.

In unknown, awkward, or difficult circumstances our starting point is often fear or anxiousness.  Our amygdala, part of the limbic region in our brain, is playing a constant stream of “Am I safe?  Do I belong?  Am I safe?  Do I belong?”  In other words we’re a little on edge and we’re checking each other out to assess friend or foe.

When compassion feels hard…

Am I not just advocating being compassionate?  Nope.  I appreciate the language of compassion and empathy. On some level I resonate with the statement “All you need is love.”  But in my reality, and I suspect it is the same for others, sometimes I can’t jump right into love.  I have my own things going on – maybe I’m triggered by the circumstances and/or what someone has said – and so love, compassion, empathy feel hard to connect with in those moments.

What I can direct my energy towards however is curiosity.  I don’t have to love you or even like you in that moment.  But if I can be curious, it feels like I’m leaving a door open, I’m open to possibilities.  If I’m there with curiosity, then I’m listening with a willingness to be changed.

Our human needs for sense and meaning making, for learning and growth – these are the foundations for curiosity. I think curiosity is also interwoven with empathy, but sometimes we can’t jump right into each others experiences from a place of shared resonance.  But I can be curious.  I can be wondering what is going on for you.

And when I’m in one of my own funks, when things are not going right, or actually might feel terribly wrong, I can be curious about what might be going on for me.  Which of my needs are not being met?   You have the same options when you’re in a funk, when things are not going right – what might your present experience be asking of you?  Which needs of yours are not being met?

And by the way your brain seems to function well under conditions of curiosity as well – at least from the stand point of learning and memory.

So the next time you’re feeling a little on guard or triggered be curious about the person sitting across from you.  And if you are being really hard on yourself, be curious about the person in the mirror.

Willing to try being purposeful with your curiosity?  Let me know how it goes in the comments below…

© Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2015. All rights reserved.

 

Expectations – Good or Bad?

I’ve had two friends recently tell me they are worried about my expectations.  They are worried about expectations I have about a particular person and my relationship with that person.  I’m perplexed.  My body has a sensation of wanting to push back, to reject their voices about my expectations.

What’s so wrong with expectations for myself or someone else?  What could be wrong with me wanting to see someone put energy into their health and well-being?  What could be wrong with me wanting to go camping?  Or more generally on vacation?

Maybe it is not about right or wrong.  Maybe they are not saying it is wrong for me to have expectations.  Maybe they are just worried that my dreams won’t come true and then how will I feel?  And it is lovely that they worry about me, and yet I want to have my dreams and have dreams for others.  I’ll deal with the consequences if those dreams don’t come true.  Sometimes what I hoped for doesn’t happen, but something even better, that I couldn’t imagine at the time does. Yes, sometimes I’m disappointed and I have to do a little mourning at the loss, the grieving of an unrealized dream.  I’m okay with all of that.

Let me back track for a second.  What is an expectation anyway?  I’ve looked at lots of definitions.  Here’s as couple:

  • something looked forward to, whether feared or hoped for
  • an attitude of expectancy or hope
  • anticipation
  • prospects, especially of success or gain
  • anticipating with confidence of fulfillment
  • belief about (or mental picture of) the future

Sounds pretty good wouldn’t you say?  I want anticipation.  I want hope.  And yet when I read online about expectations, so much caution!  I came across this quote that seems to sum up everyone’s concern about expectations:

Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.  [Alexander Pope – Letter to Fortescue]

Part of the arguments around this are that expectations take us and maybe even keep us in the future.  The alternative is to be in the moment, accepting and acknowledging what is.

I’ve made a conscious choice to question either/or thinking.  I think expectations are a good example.  I’m going to have them.  Not having them, well for me, that’s not life!  Life is going to have disappointment.  And I’m realizing I’m okay with that.  I want to have dreams, ideas, possibilities.  Will they all materialize?  No.  Do they feed me and inspire me to show up in my life?  Yes.

AND I want to practice being in the moment as well.  I don’t want to live exclusively in the future, with expectation.  I want to appreciate what is unfolding now.

My take on expectations is that they are wrapped up in being human.  They are tied to needs, desires, values, beliefs – so to say don’t have them, well quite frankly, that seems ridiculous.  And why wouldn’t I hold an expectation of another human being being able?

So are expectations good or bad?  I guess they just are.  Maybe it is more about realistic or unrealistic, healthy or unhealthy expectations.  Even those will be hard to define – more organic, permeable, and tied to context I think than black and white in their definition.

I was curious about how some folks who practice NVC might talk about needs versus expectations.  They suggested yes, we have our needs, and the invitation is to let go of expectations of how those needs will be filled.  I can buy into that, yet at the same time, I’m not letting go of visions and dreams. I practice affirmations and visioning.  When I launch one or the other I always say to the Universe “This or something better.”  I can’t know what better is until I’ve lived it – experienced it.  And sometimes that pathway is through disappointment – I’ve had my share of that – and yet I’m really really glad I am where I am in my life and all the things/experiences/people that have brought me to this place.

So yes, I’m going to keep having my expectations.  And yes, I’m going to keep checking on them.  I can agree that sometimes they are not serving me – perhaps because through the expectation I am holding myself or someone else to an unrealistic standard.  Those expectations can be adjusted.

In this moment I’m grateful my friends expressed their concerns about my expectations.  It has been fruitful for me to do this exploration.  My expectations remain, yet I’m noticing I hold them a little less tightly, inspired by the reminder that how they come to life might look different than what I am expecting.

 

In case you are curious, here are some of the websites I look at as I was ruminating on this piece:

Unrealistic Expectations in Relationship

Expectations in Relationships:  The Flip Side of Obligations

Building a Healthy Relationship From the Start

The Trust About Relationship Expectations

NVC Needs, Desires, Values, Expectations, Thoughts

 

 

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2011, 2012

Being Responsible

I’m a nurturer, caregiver type person.  It is who I am.  It is how I show up in the world.  I care about people.  I care how they are feeling – physically, emotionally, spiritually.  This a good set of qualities to have – it is part of my purpose in life.  It is part of why I do the work I do.  All good.

And yet like every aspect of ourselves – of myself – sometimes it doesn’t serve me.  I’ve found that any facet of me is a double edged sword.  This is not a critique, it just is.  So right now I have a friend in my life for who I’m concerned about their health.  In my nurturing, caring mode it becomes really easy for me to take on their stuff.   To feel responsible for their sense of well-being.

This ties into my deep seeded need for control as well.  I’m anxious about my friend.  I want to fix the situation.  I want to make it better.   But I can’t.  I can’t because the choices toward healing are not mine to make.  They belong to my friend.  My friend’s health is not my responsibility though in my discomfort it feels like I would find ease if I take it on.

So what is mine to take on? What I do have responsibility for are my own emotions, my own behavior – how I show up in the situation.   What I can do is share how I’m feeling – that I’m concerned about my friend’s well being.  What I can do is express my willingness to support and help in ways that my friend wants.  I could do research into options for example.  I could be a sounding board for whatever decisions my friend might need to make.  And if my friend wants, I could just be quiet.  Hard for me to do, and as a consequence, a great place for me to grow into should my friend ask that of me. I get to be responsible for that growth.

What sense of responsibility are you taking on out of feelings of anxiousness or uncertainly that doesn’t actually belong to you?  Is there some situation you have injected yourself into because by doing so, it gives you a sense of control?  Being responsible means taking care of you, owning your emotions, it doesn’t mean fixing somebody else. Being responsible means I acknowledge I’m anxious, wanting to help, and wishing the circumstances could be different.

 

 

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2011, 2012

 

 

 

Take It Personally

Here’s the scenario:

I’ve sent emails out to two different friends who are important in my life and have not had a response from either of them.  For one friend the norm is to hear back the very day I send the email.  It is now three days later.  For the other friend, I’ve been sending emails for a few months now with no response and phone calls haven’t lead me anywhere either.

My first response, or perhaps better said, reaction, is to assume I have done something wrong. What did I say or do that has resulted in them not wanting to talk to/connect with me?  This is my default shame reaction where I take things personally and I ground them in my sense of a “less-than” self.

I’m a little older and wiser now with all the work I have done on myself these least few years so I can at least see going to that shame place. I usually can’t stop myself from going there, yet now that I see myself going there I have options.  With awareness comes choice.

I remind myself that yes, I may have been a trigger for that person in some way, but I get to give their reaction back to them.  I get to be responsible for my own feelings and they get to be responsible for theirs.  So in actuality I do get to take it personally, just my own personal, I get to look at what is coming up for me.

That “own personal” attention is for me a form of self-empathy.  I get to acknowledge my feelings and explore what is behind them – my needs.  Just as valid as my whatever may be transpiring for my friends.  I have a direct line into me.

So what is coming up for me?  I’m sad these friends have not replied back.  And I’m concerned about them on two fronts.  One, maybe something is unfolding for them that has absolutely nothing to do with our exchanges.  Can I help?

Second, if I have said something to trigger either of them, I would like to know what that is.  Perhaps there is a way I can reframe something. Perhaps I’ve been misunderstood.  And perhaps it is just going to be a tigger – I might have said something that sounded just like one of their parents and depending on their history, they were transported back there for a while.  It can be a bit scarey and vulnerable to step into finding out, but I’m willing to go there.  Here, while I’m part of the exchange, I’m not coming from the place of having done something wrong.

What’s behind all of this is are MY needs for connection, belonging, clarity, consideration, and love.  And those are beautiful needs.  I don’t have to think of myself as “less than” for having those needs. In the past I’ve done an immediate translation to equate anxiousness with the shame response.  Now I can see that the anxiousness means some of my needs are not being met.  I’m whole, I’m just wanting connection.

So the next time you feel to take something personally, believing that you are somehow at fault, less than, for something, I invite you take it personally – your own personal – and look behind the circumstances.  Which of your needs are calling forth?

 

 

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2011, 2012

Don’t Ask For What You Want – You Might Be Disappointed!

Had a big “a-ha” recently when I connected my struggle of asking for what I want with an effort to avoid being/feeling disappointed.

Here was my logic:

If I ask for what I want I might not get it.  So to avoid that possible disappointment I won’t ask for what I want.  I then can’t get a no.

Hmmm….

Here’s a recent example.  I am wanting to connect with a friend over Skype.  The exchange happens via e-mail.

Friend:  What time would be good?

Me:  I’ll be home after 9 tonight or my schedule is pretty wide open tomorrow.

I don’t hear back from the friend until the next morning.  I haven’t asked to hear back about a specific time.  I haven’t asked about their availability.  And here’s what I really wanted – I desperately wanted the friend to call that very night after 9 pm when I got back home.  I’m sure you were able to read that into my part of the request weren’t you?  My timing was clear wasn’t it?  The intensity of wanting to connect – I put that out there too didn’t I?  And so what did I do?  I rushed home from a lovely event – remember I’m hoping my friend will call me after 9 pm – and sit around, albeit keeping myself occupied with things I am needing to get done – and every few minutes checking Skype to see if my friend is online.

Here’s the irony – in my attempt to avoid disappointment, I feel it anyway.  My friend is nowhere to be found on Skype that evening so I am disappointed we don’t connected AND I get to feel disappointed in myself too.  Double whammy.

There is a voice in my head right now saying “Pathetic!”.  That is my self critical judging voice – the Jackal voice in the world of NVC.  It is a voice of shame as I judge myself for being weak with expressing what I really want.  The Jackal voice is also the gift of a guide post to step into language that is more life affirming – giraffe language – beginning with some self-empathy.  I personally need a little help getting into the self-empathy space and I often get there by doing some self-reflection, a little logic to digest the situation perhaps.

So a little self-reflection.  I’ve noticed what I will do is make my request in very general terms.  The lack of specificity is another part of the defenses to avoid being disappointed.  I’m sort of expressing what I want – I’ll be home after 9 tonight or my schedule is pretty wide open tomorrow. – I just ask for it so generally I’m kind of expecting the recipient to be a mind reader.  In my mind I’m also justifying the approach by telling myself I’m giving consideration to what the other person’s needs might be.  This is not necessarily a bad thing, it just becomes another part of the defense/avoidance mechanism if I put their needs far and away above any specificity of need on my part.

And now some self-empathy.  It can be hard to hear a No.  It can be awful to think of wanting to connect with a friend and then think you might not be able to connect with that person.  The wanting to connect with a friend is a beautiful want.  We – I – so have that innate need for connection and belonging.  And it is a beautiful thing to want to be considerate of my friend’s needs and to acknowledge the reality they might not be able to meet my initial request.

In NVC we talk about redos – when a conversation doesn’t unfold quite the way you had hoped/expected know that for the most part you can create redo possibilities – a chance to have the conversation again with different energy.  Asking for a redo can be another request you can practice making.  In this instance, without knowing it, my friend gave me a redo.  It wasn’t going to be exactly the same request as time had passed, yet I could now apply my a-ha insights.

Friend:   So, recommend a time that works for you.

Me:  It has been rough start this morning.  Not exactly sure why – a collection of “life” stuff to be sure.  Could really use a hug today.  So would early afternoon work – say 1 PM?  I’m conscious of all that you might need to be get done today so there is a part of me that says “I can’t take a chunk of time out of  the middle of your day.”  and yet you’ve asked me for a time, so I’m just going to say 1 PM and see where we get to…

Friend:  I will shoot for that but can’t guarantee. Just heading off now.  Will try to make that happen. Will text with level of success.

We ended up not being able to Skype at 1 pm.  I did get a connection though.  We were able to talk on the phone at 1 pm.  Sure, it didn’t quite unfold the way I had hoped/requested – we weren’t able to Skype – so on some level I received a No – yet on another level my request was answered – I was able to connect with my friend.

There is power in acknowledging the fear – the fear of disappointment, of getting the No – and going forward with my requests anyway.  Because when I do that, I don’t have to be disappointed in myself.  I can feel good about having expressed my needs, about making my now more specific or direct request, about being open to having the requests fulfilled in different or creative ways, and in being considerate of what might be unfolding for the person I am making the request of.  And with the willingness to be present to the disappointment, it doesn’t have the same hook either.  I can feel the “I’ll be okay.” deep down inside.

 

Wherever I Go There I Am

Sunshine.  Dolphins frolicking in the bay.  Hummingbirds buzzing by.  Monarch butterflies taking a rest on their journey.  Purposeful community.  Connection.  Healthy food in abundance.  Thermal baths.  Hidden nooks and crannies.  A warm comfortable bed at night.

Sounds pretty amazing doesn’t it?  Magical I’d say.

And yet…

…in that same beautiful place I am triggered.  I have moments of fear as I speak my truth.  I feel the shields coming up as I receive positive feedback or when I let someone no.  If I let the connection and love in, when I fully show up, will I lose what I am so seeking?  Do I keep myself alone in order to avoid finding myself alone?

I’m hanging at Esalen for five weeks doing a work study program exploring Non-Violent Communication (NVC) within the larger context of purposeful community.  Learning something one day, applying it in community the next.  It is a magical place.  It is a full life place.  It reminds me that wherever I go, there I am.  Whatever personal development work I need to do comes with me, even to paradise.

Here’s the thing – I’m delighting in that.  In NVC we talk about Universal Needs.  Those needs are foundational to my existence as a human being.  It doesn’t matter where I am, I have needs for connection, for belonging, for expansion, to be seen and heard, for meaning, for safety, for consideration.  If I can explore those needs here, I have the opportunity to explore them anywhere because here’s the thing, once I engage in my life, I can do that anywhere.  Wherever I go, there I am.  I can engage in my life here, there and everywhere.

Wherever you go, there you are.*  What parts of you are calling for some attention no matter what circumstances you are in?  Know that whatever work you do to connect with and heal/integrate those parts of yourself gets to come with you wherever you go. When you do self-work, you are forever the beneficiary of your efforts.

 

*My gratitude to Jon Kabat-Zinn’s body of work for introducing me to this concept.