Category Archives: Tools

Uncovering your story of loss and grief through photographs

Most of the images I use on this website are my own. The two images in my header are examples. The nature image (original uncropped version to the left) is from a time when I was in a period of deep reflection. I was dealing with a lot of pain and a sense of loss – the dream had not worked out as planned and my body was consuming my energy – the bushes that seemed dead in their dryness and grayness captured those feelings for me.

At the same time, there was this incredible vibrant green moss – a sharp contrast. In the moment of taking the photograph I resonated with that contrast. I wanted to shift how I was feeling. As I look at the image now I see my pain and feeling lost. I also see the energy of growth and potential – discovering who I was and what I was meant to do in the world. The image gave me a way to honour both.

Fast forward a few years, one spinal fusion surgery later, a new career, and my “head shot” was taken in the back yard. I was using a tripod, a remote control for my camera, and I had music playing. I was literally swaying and dancing in different locations in the backyard, taking photos as I went. The smile is genuine. I was feeling happy. (One of the many shots from that day is on the right.) While it felt rather vulnerable to be doing this craziness in the backyard – what if someone should see me?? – I loved the sense of me capturing me with renewed energy and a new sense of purpose.

Did I have all of this understanding of what these photographs mean to me in the moments they were taken? No, but I do believe there was some inner knowing I was tapping into in those moments such as the resonance with the contrast of the dryness and the vibrancy in my nature image. What I am appreciating is that I took the photographs in the first place. The ongoing gift is that I can see more and new meanings in the images as time passes, connecting with the evolution of my story.

When I look at those photographs now, they represent the walk I have been taking with my life.

The Invitation…

Take photographs. They don’t have to be of you, but they can be. They don’t have to be of other people, but they can be. Be in nature. Be in a city. Don’t worry about the ‘rule of thirds’ and composition or having anything in focus. In other words this is not about taking ‘perfect’ pictures, just take pictures. And then give yourself a little time and space to really look at them and ask about you, the photographer.

What were you feeling when you took the photo?

What are you feeling now as you ponder the photo?

What are you wanting as you look at the photo?

What else are you noticing or resonating with in the photograph and in you?

Perhaps you will connect with a sense of loss, joy, anger, despair, possibility, hope, harmony – any or all of the above. Perhaps you will connect with a sense of the passage of time and remembering. Perhaps you will connect with hurt. Perhaps with healing. Perhaps with creativity and inspiration.

The meaning of the image for you, as is the case for me and my images, comes later. So the blurry image, the whonky placement, the different lighting – any and all of that might be where you see the meaning. So I say again, it is not about taking a perfect picture, rather it is about taking pictures and then giving them some purposeful consideration.

I encourage you to be fluid with timelines. Maybe you take the picture and look at it with consideration in a week’s time, or five weeks, a year, or five years later. (I’ve done all of that.) I value that my story evolves each time I look at the photographs.

What is the story of you your photographs are telling? What if your story of loss and grief can be found in your photographs?

If this theme of grief and photography has sparked an interested, here’s a few other links to get you started on your exploration….

http://blog.sevenponds.com/soulful-expressions/artist-andy-goldsworthys-brother-suffered-the-death-of-his-beloved-wife

http://blog.sevenponds.com/professional-advice/%E2%80%A8how-does-grief-affect-the-creative-process-an-interview-with-photographer-sarah-treanor-part-one

Photo Grief: http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/resource-for-coping-with-grief/ OR http://photogrief.com/

Is it too soon for Sheryl Sandberg to be going back to work?

As someone who supports grieving individuals, a red flag of concern was raised in my mind when I read that Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg returned to work 10 days after the unexpected death of her husband David Goldberg. She returned on a modified schedule, wanting to support her children through daily routine and the sense of normalcy that can bring.

Don’t take my red flag to imply that Sheryl Sandberg should not return to work. Maybe it will be helpful to her, her family, and to Facebook. And maybe it won’t. There in lies the red flag – the “normal” of our daily lives is shattered the moment someone close to use dies. Life as we know it becomes life as we knew it. She is not done grieving.

Here are four things I’ve come to understand about loss and grief that I believe are particularly relevant to this set of circumstances:

1) None of us is immune to grief. Period. It doesn’t matter how old, how young, how wise, how wealthy, how much support, or how ‘having it together’ we might appear, when we lose someone or something that matters to us, we grieve. Sandberg has not just lost her husband of 11 years, she has lost the normalcy of her everyday life. She is exploring what it means to be wife today. It is different than what it meant to be wife just a short time ago. Only recently she was a COO at Facebook with an avid supporter, her husband David Goldberg. Today she is a COO at Facebook and David has died. There is not a handbook for being the COO of Facebook and losing your husband unexpectedly.

2) Grief can be all consuming – from head to toe – body, mind, and spirit. Individuals may experience health symptoms in conjunction with their grief such as disrupted sleeping patterns – some sleeping more, others experiencing difficulties sleeping. Some will report challenges making even simple decisions accompanied by a struggle to stay present. There can be a loss or increase in appetite. There can be a questioning of beliefs.

3) Grief looks different on everyone. I don’t know what Sheryl Sandberg’s loss and grief experiences will be. I just know she’ll be having them. Maybe her health is fine and she is sleeping well. Maybe she feels able to make decisions. Maybe she doesn’t feel distracted. How she feels today might not be how she feels tomorrow. Grief is a ride, an often unpredictable ride including unpredictable timelines.

4) There is no right answer for how long to take before returning to work. For some, going back to work after a death or other loss can be experienced as very helpful. The work place offers the familiar. There can be supportive friends and colleagues. For others, the busyness of work becomes a way to keep the grief at bay. But remember, none of us is immune to grief – busyness doesn’t make it go away. Sometimes distraction is helpful in the short term as we deal with the shock and numbness that often occurs in grief. It can become unhelpful if we use it to avoid the process of grief. In addition, those well meaning colleagues can say or do rather unhelpful even hurtful things in the face of grief. It can also mean avoided conversations, potentially impacting decisions, as individuals steer away from the uncomfortable and awkward.

I offer the following to Facebook and more generally to any organization that has a senior leader who has recently experienced a significant loss:

Consider that the grieving individual’s leadership and decision making abilities may be impacted by the grief.
Consider others in the organization may avoid the grieving individual in their own efforts to avoid the uncomfortable or awkward. This may impact the flow of pertinent information.
Acknowledge that grief is a process for which the landscape of the grieving individual can change daily, or even within any one particular day, and that the timeline for grieving is fluid.
Offer support both to the individual and other employees. Most of us don’t know how to do grief or how to support a grieving person. Some education on what the process of grief is and the myriad of ways it can impact an individual could be healthy for your organization. Bringing awareness to helpful and potentially not so helpful ways to support a grieving colleague might be of value too.
Be prepared to make adjustments. In the case of Sandberg, some have already been made, for example her schedule and travel. More may be necessary. The decision making structure and processes may need to be modified temporarily. As well Sandberg may decide at some point in the future that she does want to take a leave from work. Support her in that exploration and be willing to step into some difficult or awkward conversations along the way.

In the end it is not about whether Sandberg has gone back to work too quickly, rather I would offer a more appropriate question to ask is: How can Facebook best support Sheryl Sandberg, honoring wherever she is at with her grieving process, and at the same time acknowledging that her grief may temporarily impact her leadership abilities?

What if..we could gracefully give ourselves time as needed in the challenges of life?

what if we could gracefully give ourselves time as needed How long does it take to grieve a loved one who has died?

How long does it take to grieve an ending relationship?

How long does it take to make a career change?

How long does it to take move and settle in to a new city?

How long does it take to have cancer?

Often language implies there is both timing and an ending to these types of challenging life scenarios.

“You’ll be better in no time!”

“Give it a week and you should be back to normal.”

“You’ve been sick/grieving/grumpy/sad for long enough now.” Likely followed by a “Get over it.”

“I imagine you can have a new job and be settled within 6 months.”

Many of our corporate policies incorporate timelines and endings as well.

Three days of bereavement leave.

Two weeks of sick leave.

Six months of extended disability leave.

A month of accommodation benefits as part of a moving allowance.

These messages have us believing we can measure and monitor the events of our lives based on some chronological, prescribed time window.

Your body, mind, and spirit have their own sense of time.

The more work I do facilitating bereavement groups, the more I appreciate that the journey of grief takes as long as it takes. One thing I know for sure – we do not “get over” or “get through” a significant loss in 3 days.

When I think of my Grandmother who died six years ago it is always bitter sweet. Seeing a cookbook on my shelf that reminds me of her – a sweet memory – is often linked with a jolt of sadness – that I can no longer call her. That burst of grief is very real and while I no longer grieve her as I once did, I’m not “over her”, I still grieve from time to time.

And healing from my spinal fusion surgery – depending on how you want to measure it 6 weeks or years. My back pain sparked a period of deep introspection and I began healing my spirit before the actual surgery. My scar healed in a matter of weeks. It took at least a year for the bones to fuse. It took many moons for my body to begin to realize that when I was invited to an event, such as going to see an art exhibit, it didn’t have to go into resistance and protection mode. It wasn’t going to hurt any more, but parts of me weren’t aligned with that yet. How long does rewiring chronic pain take?

What if we could gracefully give ourselves the time needed in the challenges of life?

There are two Greek works for time – chronos and kairos.

“Chronos is clocks, deadlines, watches, calendars, agendas, planners, schedules, beepers. Chronos is time at her worst. Chronos keeps track. …Chronos is the world’s time. Kairos is transcendence, infinity, reverence, joy, passion, love, the Sacred. Kairos is intimacy with the Real. Kairos is time at her best. …Kairos is Spirit’s time. We exist in chronos. We long for kairos. That’s our duality. Chronos requires speed so that it won’t be wasted. Kairos requires space so that it might be savored. We do in chronos. In kairos we’re allowed to be … It takes only a moment to cross over from chronos into kairos, but it does take a moment. All that kairos asks is our willingness to stop running long enough to hear the music of the spheres.”

― Sarah Ban Breathnach

While I don’t necessarily agree that chronos is time at her worst – when scheduling an appointment for example, I’m glad there is a way to represent that in quantitative time – I do believe chronos time can be counter productive. Applying a time measurement to many aspects of life can set us up to hold ourselves to a standard that is not real, rather it is arbitrary. It can also feel like trying to live to a moving target.

Tool: How about stepping into life changes, growth, and healing without strict timelines? Rather than a focus on chronos time, how about exploring kairos time? It is not about speed. It is about being human. It is about allowing. It is about alignment. It is about knowing we have arrived, when we have arrived, not by the date on the calendar.

So the next time someone tells you how to heal faster, or says “You should be over it by now,” gently let them know you are gracefully living by kairos time.

Text and Images Copyright © Dr. Catherine Hajnal 2015. All rights reserved.

What if your deepest wounds called forth your greatest gifts?

It might be hard to imagine that in the darkness of your life the seeds of possibility exist.

In my own life the health challenges I have faced, the losses I have experienced – these are the seeds of what I do now through Life Fundamentals. And the pain of those experiences is what motivates me. If I can help someone else with their hurts journey, then I believe I’ve done a good thing. It is not about taking away the hurt, rather it is about offering wisdom and tools to empower individuals to transform their hurts into an energy of creation and expansion from an energy of constriction and depletion.

Whether you are looking to make a career change or make some changes in your relationships – with yourself or others – perhaps the place to begin is to acknowledge your hurts, to acknowledge your losses, and to invite the possibility that those deepest wounds could call forth your greatest gifts.

For inspiration, I encourage you as you read or hear about happenings/events in your local community or around the world, see if you can notice examples of individuals stepping into what I call creative hurts – where pain and possibility or trauma and growth, co-exist. Notice how a challenging or traumatic life event has sparked what comes next in their lives.

Here’s a few examples to get you started…

As you uncover other interesting examples, please feel free to share them in the comments below.

Life is ONE BIG IMPROV

Think about where you were and what you were doing exactly one year ago. Did you know then what you would be doing right now? Did you know then what life was going to bring your way in the last 12 months?

Maybe you had an inkling. Or you set some intentions so you had a rough idea of what you were hoping you’d be doing and where you’d be on the journey of life right now.

But for the most part, we have no way of predicting with clarity exactly what life will hold. Let me speak for myself anyway – I generally have no idea what I’m going to be doing a year from now. Yes, I have a plan. Yes, I set intentions. And when I launch those intentions out into the Universe I always add “This or something better.” I’m open in my life to those things that are nowhere on my horizon right now. I’ve come to love those things – those people – those possibilities – that I can’t image in this moment.

Let me give you an example. I’d just finished my swim at Kits Beach Pool on Saturday late afternoon and was contemplating leftovers. Checked my phone and there’s an invite to dinner.

Everyday I read something or get a call or email from someone that takes me to an idea, a website, a possibility that wasn’t on the horizon at all before that moment. And here’s the thing, I want to fully step into those moments. I want to say yes to those moments. I wanted to say YES to dinner but….

Sometimes the voices of NO are way louder than the voices of YES. Now sometimes a NO truly is a NO. But sometimes, and for me often times, the NO is accompanied by the voices of

I can’t do that.
Not possible.
I don’t have experience or the skills.
I’m scared.
I’m not creative enough.
I’m not ________ enough. Submit your descriptor here!

In other words the NO is accompanied by some form of resistance. Sure that resistance is my friend – its trying to keep me safe – but gall darn it – what if that resistance is starting to hold me back?

In my dinner example, the first voices, when I received the invitation were:

I’m in yoga pants and my hair is wet – I’m not dressed for a dinner.
I don’t have anything with me. I’ll be showing up empty handed.
I don’t know these people that well.
The text came in over an hour ago. They’ve probably already started.

I stepped in guided by the principles of improvisational theatre or “improv”. I expressed some of my fears to my potential host. She said come, just come. So I showed up empty handed with wet hair and yoga pants. Met new people. Had a great time! Life gave me an offer, or a gift as it is often referred to in improv, and I said YES to it.

If you’d like to learn more about the principles of improv and how you can use them purposefully to live more fully in your life – to say YES to the possibilities that come along – come play with me in Douglas Park in Vancouver this August. For four consecutive Thursday evenings I’ll be sharing the principles of improv, we’ll be playing some improv games, we’ll be relating it to life, and we’ll be having FUN! I’ll be teaching a more formal workshop on this in September, and for now, come discover and have fun. Say YES – to one evening or all four! Notice any resistance and come anyway. When you started reading this blog you didn’t know you’d be doing improv in Douglas Park in August…

Details of the August Improv in the Park available here…

Love is…

How do you define love?

I was asked to give a talk at Unity of Vancouver earlier this month. The theme, given to me by Unity, was Love. As part of the preparation for my talk I asked myself “What is my definition of love?” Love is one of those words that we see everywhere, used in all kinds of contexts from “I love chocolate,” to “Love is life force energy,” to “Love hurts!”

My start was to define love as emotion and things evolved from there! I’m not going to give away where things ended up – you’ll have to listen to the talk for that (a big tease I know!) – but I will say that my definition was inspired by ideas from:

meta-physics and the New Thought Movement – and in particular a book entitled The Twelve Powers by Charles FIllmore. I focused on the two soul powers of love and wisdom.
the belly brain (the seed of your wisdom power perhaps…) and the heart brain (the seed of your love power perhaps…) – two concepts referred to in the context of Interpersonal Neurobiology.
a fun website I explored called www.canyoudefinelove.com.
many poems, words, and songs on love from the likes of Rumi, John Denver, Deepak Chopra, and more!
images of love from Gaping Void – here’s one of my favourites.

I hope my talk inspires you to connect with and listen to love – in all its shades and hues. You’ll find the talk here (mp3)…

P.S. Came across many jokes/sayings about love in my exploration as well. This one made me smile:

Do you believe in love at first site? Or should I walk past again?

No Such Thing As Mistakes

I’m getting the flash of the “X’s” in either red or bold black on the school assignments.

The years in school had a huge focus on right and wrong, on correcting mistakes. In some fields of study there is right and wrong. Two plus two is indeed 4, it is not 5 or any other number. We need to learn that. And yet that horrible feeling – at least for me anyway – that would come when I saw those X’s or the grade that meant I didn’t get full marks. It took me to that place of “not good enough”, that place of shame, and somehow that doesn’t seem best for learning.

I remember in particular an incident in grade 10. The assignment was to read a story and write your feelings about the characters. I did not find one of the characters very sympathetic and wrote this in my assignment. I found myself defending myself in front of the whole class and being told by the teacher that I was “walking on thin ice,” that my opinion was incorrect, that my feelings couldn’t be that. I don’t remember what my feelings were supposed to be, I just remember mine were wrong, to the tune of an F. This was the first F of my life. Life went on and I ultimately passed the class and Grade 10 with flying colours, yet I sure do remember that incident. Even now I’m feeling the tightness and anxiousness in my body as I recall that experience.

Incidents like these have influenced my life. For some, in those moments your voice gets louder. For me, I shrink, feel smaller, and experience that warm wash of shame. These experiences were not empowering – at least they didn’t feel that way in the moment.

Having them as part of my experience in this moment now, in who I am in the present does feel empowering. I can work with them in ways that enables me to feel bigger, stronger, more powerful in my life. One of the ways that I do that is to consciously, purposefully not use the language of mistakes, of right and wrong.

I’m more than willing to acknowledge those circumstances in which I make a choice, learn something after experiencing that choice and then perhaps saying “Wow, I wish I’d chosen differently,” or any sort of wishing for having done, said, or been different. Was I wrong or mistaken with the first choice? I believe not. I practice discernment. I generally don’t take decisions lightly. I am a lawful citizen.

I learn and with that learning I make new choices. That doesn’t make me wrong or mistaken. That makes me a reflective, purposeful learner. I’m happy to be one of those.

So I invite you to think about that voice in yourself that judges you as right/wrong, good/bad. Consider being a little gentler with yourself.

To close, here is one of my favorite quotes from Rumi:

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I will meet you there.

Take It Personally

Here’s the scenario:

I’ve sent emails out to two different friends who are important in my life and have not had a response from either of them. For one friend the norm is to hear back the very day I send the email. It is now three days later. For the other friend, I’ve been sending emails for a few months now with no response and phone calls haven’t lead me anywhere either.

My first response, or perhaps better said, reaction, is to assume I have done something wrong. What did I say or do that has resulted in them not wanting to talk to/connect with me? This is my default shame reaction where I take things personally and I ground them in my sense of a “less-than” self.

I’m a little older and wiser now with all the work I have done on myself these least few years so I can at least see going to that shame place. I usually can’t stop myself from going there, yet now that I see myself going there I have options. With awareness comes choice.

I remind myself that yes, I may have been a trigger for that person in some way, but I get to give their reaction back to them. I get to be responsible for my own feelings and they get to be responsible for theirs. So in actuality I do get to take it personally, just my own personal, I get to look at what is coming up for me.

That “own personal” attention is for me a form of self-empathy. I get to acknowledge my feelings and explore what is behind them – my needs. Just as valid as my whatever may be transpiring for my friends. I have a direct line into me.

So what is coming up for me? I’m sad these friends have not replied back. And I’m concerned about them on two fronts. One, maybe something is unfolding for them that has absolutely nothing to do with our exchanges. Can I help?

Second, if I have said something to trigger either of them, I would like to know what that is. Perhaps there is a way I can reframe something. Perhaps I’ve been misunderstood. And perhaps it is just going to be a tigger – I might have said something that sounded just like one of their parents and depending on their history, they were transported back there for a while. It can be a bit scarey and vulnerable to step into finding out, but I’m willing to go there. Here, while I’m part of the exchange, I’m not coming from the place of having done something wrong.

What’s behind all of this is are MY needs for connection, belonging, clarity, consideration, and love. And those are beautiful needs. I don’t have to think of myself as “less than” for having those needs. In the past I’ve done an immediate translation to equate anxiousness with the shame response. Now I can see that the anxiousness means some of my needs are not being met. I’m whole, I’m just wanting connection.

So the next time you feel to take something personally, believing that you are somehow at fault, less than, for something, I invite you take it personally – your own personal – and look behind the circumstances. Which of your needs are calling forth?

Boogie Oogie Oogie

I like to dance. It is not Swing, Tango, Two-step, Waltz, or any structured dance. It is pure and simple movement that my body chooses to make in that moment. (In other words, watch out, I have no idea what’s going to come out of my body. And yes, sometimes I make myself laugh!)

I love music that makes me want to dance – the kind when you hear it you immediately connect to the beat and your foot or hips or shoulders or all three! can’t help but start bopping.

This dancing extends to my car. I’m the car in front of you that, while waiting at the stop light, is bopping and shifting around because the driver is making these “weird” movements. I call it car-dancing and I love it.

And then there are those times when I’m in a bit of funk and I know it and I don’t want to stay there. Especially when I know the reality that my life is good. So I acknowledge feeling funky (a little self-compassion) and I invite myself to shift my energy (a little self-coaching.) In that moment, if circumstances permit, I’ll put on one of those tunes that can’t help but get me groovin’ and I’ll boogie around for the duration of the song.

I always feel differently after the dance. I may not have gone from funky to blissful, but I sure will have shifted to a more positive vibration.

Here’s one of those songs, that for me at least, get’s me bopping. Take a look at the lyrics too. (Video and lyrics below.) I read them as a call to boogie in my own life, to really show up fully until I just can’t boogie no more! My gratitude to a “Taste of Honey” for bringing this song to life for me to enjoy. Give it a listen and notice what happens for you.

A Taste of Honey: Boogie Oogie Oogie

Songwriters: Janice Marie Johnson, Perry Kibble

If you’re thinkin’ you’re too cool to boogie

Boy, oh boy, have I got news for you
Everybody here tonight must boogie
Let me tell you are no exception to the rule

So get on up on the floor
‘Cause were gonna boogie oogie oogie
Till you just can’t boogie no more
Ah, boogie, boogie no more
You can’t boogie no more
Ah, boogie, boogie no more
Listen to the music

There’s no time to waste let’s get the show on the road
Listen to the music and let your body flow
The sooner we break down the longer we got to groove
Listen to the music and let your body move

Get down boogie oogie oogie
Get down boogie oogie oogie
Get down boogie oogie oogie
Get down boogie oogie oogie